can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize
