I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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