there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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