I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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