I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
