She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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