I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
