My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
