the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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