i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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