wakey wakey hands off snakey
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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