the condom got lost in my hair
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize