I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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