dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
