Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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