I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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