If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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