I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Hippo gnu deer
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
