I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
