We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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