just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
