I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
