Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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