I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
