Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
