I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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