I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
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