I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
