The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
