On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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