Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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