I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
