He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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