I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
