I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
