sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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