this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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