Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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