Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
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