i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
