It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
