I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
