The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
