ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
