I'm lost and stupid without you.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
