There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
