Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
please come you make the beer taste better
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
