The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
