My first STD was from a foam party
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
