I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
