Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
