im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize