That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
only you would photoshop your dick
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
