u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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