if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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