your parents love me but you hate me
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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