I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Is Oprah even human
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
