just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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