If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize