6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
