You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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