You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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