when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
